I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
