does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
