i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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