just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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