it's too hot outside to masturbate.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
