literally had 100 drinks last night.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
