watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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