video games are the ultimate cock blocker
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
