Four minutes until I can fart!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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