so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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