i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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