my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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