i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
