butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
