I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
