Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
