Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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