i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
