Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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