Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
that is very illegal...i love you.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
