Me. At least after what I've been through.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
