i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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