ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
