please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
