Umm I'm too high to move.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
