you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
