So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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