Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
