I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
