I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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