I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
