Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just tell him i said nine months
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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