Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
