Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Alive.
So much puke
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
