i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
