Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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