I would go down on you faster than GM stock
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
