no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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