I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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