You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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