i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Randomize
