Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
