If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
