Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
