My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
