i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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