the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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