Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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