we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
