She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
