This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
