Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
